FOREST TALES
Readers may already be familiar with Stella Leonard’s wonderful recreations of old-timefairy tales. Read on, and enjoy her clever re-formatting of some well-known stories.
Goldilocks was bored with visiting the three bears in Nottingham Forest. Mother bear
had recently changed the breakfast menu from porridge to rice crispies, and this was
no incentive for Goldilocks to make the long journey there. She was also tired of
Baby bear who had lengthy tantrums when she napped on his Sealy Posturepedic
bed. It was time for a change.
Her cousin Red Riding Hood was currently staying with the piglets three, who were in
a squatter camp, while their new house was under construction. They had tried
straw, then wood, but the Wicked Wolf who was letting agent for the sheriff of
Nottingham, destroyed their houses every time.
They had a new plan. Red Riding Hood was teaching them how to build homemade
bricks from a Do-It-Yourself kit. The work was hard, but they persevered, rubbing tea
tree oil into their aching limbs each night.
While the wolf was away collecting rates and taxes, and evicting unruly tenants, the
piglets laid foundations for Piglet Lodge. They began churning out hundreds of bricks
and such was their expertise, that before the wolf returned they had completed their
task. Piglet Lodge was a large imposing building with thick wooden doors, cottage
type windows, and a fine verandah stretching across the front garden. A prominent
signpost stated it was protected by “Reliable Security” alarms.
Well satisfied, the piglets, Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks planned a celebration
party. All the woodland creatures came to visit. Even the Mad Hatter and the
dormouse put in an appearance, bearing gifts of a tea-pot and some tea bags.
Cinderella came and danced till midnight. She was last seen chasing after her golden
coach as it trundled through the forest, and slowly changed into a large orange
pumpkin.
The party goers, exhausted from merrymaking, and eating and drinking, eventually
settled down to sleep the night away. Unfortunately they had forgotten to switch on
the security alarm.
Just before dawn the big bad wolf came creeping through the forest, exhilarated by
all the tenants he had evicted that day. When he saw Piglet Lodge he was enraged.
Wolf was sure the piglets did not have planning permission, or Forest Rights to build
this sumptuous home.
The wooden doors were locked, but the wolf climbed up onto the square chimney pot
and slid down inside. He fell straight into a large vat of simmering pumpkin soup,
courtesy of Cinderella. The wolf screamed, waking up the entire household, who
watched in horror as he pulled himself out of the vat. Then before their eyes he
shrank to the size of a mouse, and escaped through a keyhole in the wooden door.
The wicked wolf was never seen again, and the inmates of Nottingham Forest
rejoiced – except for the Sheriff who regretted losing the finest letting agent he had
ever had.
Piglet Lodge became a center of cultural activity where the forest creatures and
retired fairy tale characters could learn new hobbies. Markets were held every
Saturday to support the community, which became famous for its pumpkin soup, and
brick-making facilities.
Red Riding Hood was a successful Property Mogul, responsible for opening up new
frontiers in low cost housing.
Goldilocks was given a contract as chief porridge taster for “Three Bears Industries.”
While Cinderella set up a franchise for her pumpkin soup, and became so rich that
she didn’t need the Prince after all. “It rankled that he had only wanted her to prove
his manhood”.
The Sheriff who was most unpopular, was forced to engage a publicity agent to build
up his low self esteem and sagging public image.
Now that they were all so busy and creative, they managed to live happily ever after,
and peace and goodwill reigned in Nottingham Forest for a very long time.